Trust

I recently came across some old files on a flash drive of topics I did in the past for the youth group and other writings I wrote just for the sake of it. I found a designated folder titled “Mental Breakdown” and found different Word Docs of separate but related thoughts of this experience I had back in 2016.

I read through one particular Word Doc and when I reached the end of it, I broke down crying. I didn’t know why at first. I thought maybe it’s God way of saying to remember it and to continue to learn from it. I know I gave a topic on my mental breakdown once, and perhaps a few may remember it. I didn’t want for this blog post to be about how my mental breakdown is the main experience I have with my faith. For some reason it makes itself seem like it’s the only life-changing thing that has ever happened to me when it comes to my faith. Maybe it is since for some reason it keeps calling back to me.

I’ve accidentally made myself feel down and negative today. I’m dealing with my own hardship right now with finding a job (more specifically something animal related so there is less human interaction for safety reasons). I know and understand that I’m not the only one struggling to find a job nowadays and should consider myself blessed with a family to provide to me. However, I’m facing personal financial situations with my school and I don’t want to continue to pull out more loans than I already have. But what’s worse, I’m dealing with the same year-after-year stress and depression with the bad luck of not getting a job acceptance during the summer. I’m being triggered by the same anger, depression, and frustration I’ve had in the past when not finding a job. Then I realized: I’m also reliving the same feelings and emotions I once faced back in 2016 when I had my mental breakdown.

I’m facing with the question “why”? And that “why” is bringing me down just as similar to the questions I faced back at CSUSB from 2016-2017. I dealt with questions of “What if Biology isn’t my major?”, “What if I fail my classes?”, “What if I’m not accepted to Cal Poly Pomona?” “What will I do when I have no other plans?”, “What if I drop out?” And those “what ifs” brought me down and progressively lead to my mental breakdown which consisted of madly/hysterically crying into a pillow to muffle any noise someone might hear, punching a wall or my leg out of anger/frustration, eating a lot of junk food and gaining weight, and so forth.

During that time, my ears shut away from God but yet I still cried out to Him. I asked for His help, I asked Him to take the pains away even though I often held onto the negativities tight and didn’t let go. It was very difficult to trust in Him and let Him take control of my life. I didn’t know what my future held, and I wanted to figure things out for myself, but that just hurt me even more. Though with time, I prayed and looked up to Him more and my trust became stronger. Just like a child, I held onto my Father’s hand and trusted Him wherever He was leading me to. And I remember at that moment I knew what love meant. And I fell in love with Him.

He strengthened me and when it came to battle for my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual sake, He fought alongside me. I won eventually as it took about a year and a half to recover from my mental breakdown.

So, maybe I came across those old memories for a reason. God gave me that 2016 experience to deal with so that I may remember it and use it as a lesson for my lifetime. With the disappointment I have not finding a job this year, I must continue to place my trust, faith, and hope in Him. Only He knows how my life will unfold. I should not try to take control of my life when I don’t know what I want with my life. By experiencing what I’m dealing with now and recalling the memories of 2016, it is His way of saying that I should go back to that point in my life often and remember it; remember all that I felt, what I was going through, just so that I can use that memory to hang on to my faith. Because it was during that time in my life that I found my faith. It was life changing for me. I discovered the love of God.

Here’s what I realized/discovered today: I recognize that I must go through the new burdens of today and tomorrow just as I have gone and overcome the burdens of yesterday. We must not ignore our sufferings but rather listen to them. We must remember them because we can continue to learn from them which can make us stronger. We must allow them to live and cherish them just like any other good memories we have. They hold a message, an answer, a key of what to do: Trust in God for He is there with us. He will guide us and lead us to something far greater than what we can know.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Do you believe we can learn from our struggles? Discuss in the comments!